Standing at the precipice of bigotry's great divide
I watch history unfold before me
Tears drown my eyes
No tears of joy for me this day
No Hollywood sunset to end this play
Do not be fooled by the hoopla
I say
For I have seen the Great Farce of a country swollen with pride
My fellow citizens chant "Liberty and Justice for All"
But the pertinent information
That always gets pushed aside
Is this"All" only applies
If you so happen subscribe
To a particular set of ideas, principals, and lies
Do not be fooled by this color blind election
I say
Because today, as much as yesterday
Hate lives in America
Hate breeds in her belly
His attention having shifted
From the color of our skin
To the choice of our mate
And I say
What worse way to hate
Than to stifle love?
Angela J. Schleicher © 2008
6 comments:
Kudos for this!
That's really wonderful! Great job!
Great subject and especially for this weekend!
Stylistically, you might consider dropping all punctuation from the end of the lines. Let the reader decide when to pause and when to keep moving. Instead of "Tears leaking from my eyes" you could try "Tears leak from my eyes" It brings the reader in a little closer when you lose the 'ing' words.
"Do not be fooled by ..." is a long, unbalanced line that takes us away from your message. Could you consider, "Do not be fooled by our color-blind election"? This lets your readers think about your meaning, rather than spelling it out for them. I like the repeat of "I say." You might want to add that as a last line too. The line in the last stanza starts, "And it's shifted it's attention..." is difficult to read. Could you consider a simpler, "Shifted attention from the color of skin" I might even leave out "one's" for the line "to the choice of mate"
IF you do forgo the punctuation at the end of the lines, make sure you capitalize all of the first letters of the line, unless you are going for a specific Style that uses Upper and lower Case indiscriminately!
You did ask for my criticism, yes?
I sent off two pieces to publishers last week and one of them took the time to respond to my piece. It was still a refusal, but at least I know what she did and did not like. I love rewrite!
precariously - thank you
jay -muchas gracias
pa - wonderful advice, I've taken your tips and put them to use. I do find it flows much better now! I love re-wirtes too, and I love your input! Thanks a bunch!
Very, very good! :)
Well stated my friend.
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